He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
