She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize