sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
