We're facebook friends in real life
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
