What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize