So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize