literally had 100 drinks last night.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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