Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
