Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
