Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
