Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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