my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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