if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
