I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
