hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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