Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Little spoons don't ask big questions
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
third nipple confirmed
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
