Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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