Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
