genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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