like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
