so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
