can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
