I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
