Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
