hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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