why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
