I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
no you cant smoke seaweed
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
