One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
