Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
