Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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