Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
