K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
