I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
