God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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