shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize