I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Green mimosas i think yes
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
