apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
