im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
