I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
