I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
