I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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