btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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