Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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