Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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