I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I want a musical about memes.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize