I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
COCAINE IS GR8
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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