Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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