First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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