he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
