took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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