I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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