i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
