my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
