I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
