I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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