i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
